Sunday, September 12, 2010

Application for dating my daughter

I had to post this because I have two daughters
& this might be my replacement for a shot gun :)
And this is fair warning for any boy that may
potentially want to date them, even if they aren't
allowed to date until they're 30 :)

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected
unless accompanied by a complete financial statement,
history, lineage, recent FBI background check, psychiatric
evaluation, and updated medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME _______________________________
DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ______________
WEIGHT __________
I.Q _______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________
DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK______________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _____________________________________
CITY/STATE ___________
ZIP __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? _____
If No, EXPLAIN ________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married _____
8. Do you own a van? _____ A truck with oversized tires? _____ A waterbed? _____
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?

10. In 50 words or less, what does
"DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE"
mean to you?

12. Church you attend ___________________________
How often do you attend? ________________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father,
mother and priest/rabbi/minister?____________________________

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely.
ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell
anyone-ever-I promise.)

a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would
want wounded is____
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my____
c) A woman's place is in the____
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is____
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is____

(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue.
Leave premises keeping your head low.
Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up?___________________

Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years
for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved.
Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any
communication before your application is approved, automatic
disqualification will result.

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen
wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to
watch your back).

Do you still want to date my daughter?
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...
Re: Application to Date my Daughter (and Rules!) :

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two
stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule 1: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule 2: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may
glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.
If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body,
I will remove them.

Rule 3: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys
of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear
to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult,
but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want
to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this
compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear
showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come
off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place
around your waist.

Rule 4: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate:
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule 5: In order for us to get to know each other, we should
talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please
do not do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back
at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is

Rule 6: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long
as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone
out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her
until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make
YOU cry.

Rule 7: The following places are not appropriate for a date with
my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything
softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents, policemen,
or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear
shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls,
a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

Rule 8: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am
the all-knowing, merciless commander of your universe. If I ask you
where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me
the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun,
a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule 9: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to
mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper
coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent
Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell
me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter
home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your
car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter
home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need
for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is


  1. Haha that's awesome. Whoever they end up dating will have to go through uncle Andrew too :)

  2. I laughed so hard outloud! That is so darn funny I copied it for myself.....I'm in Mr. Neels class with Donovan:-).